This is going to be the archive for the 42 Things to Hate About John McCain. Enjoy!
It may seem anti-climactic, but I just can’t bring myself to make fun of this old man anymore. Senator McCain’s concession speech was gracious enough. That being said, I have the following to put out:
I am proud to be an American today, as I am everyday.
I am proud that I will become a commissioned officer in the United States Army with Barack Obama as my Commander in Chief.
I am disgusted that gay people don’t have the same rights as me. Let people marry each other. And if marriage is a religious thing or whatever, lets do away with married as a legal status. Just because a dude fucks dudes and a chick does whatever passes for sex when you’re a lesbian (just kidding ladies), shouldn’t keep them from enjoying the same misery that married straight people can enjoy.
Throughout this whole campaigning business, it’s been pretty obvious that Obama has had better catchphrases than McCain…. you know, when you’re up against “CHANGE” and “HOPE”, shit like “Drill, Baby, Drill”, “Joe Sixpack” and “Maverick” kind of pale in comparison. But I have to say, the worst catchphrase I have ever heard from McCain supporters (besides the call here and there to lynch black people!) has to be saying that an Obama supporter is just “drinking the Kool-Aid”.
WTF does this even mean? Kool-Aid is a pretty good drink. I mean, sure, it’s loaded with sugar and has no nutritional value, but it’s a whole lot better than a juice box of prune concentrate… which is what you get with ol’ coot Johnny McCain. (Diarrhea.)
But really, do these people think that millions are turning out to vote (already more than any other election, and that’s just early voting!) because they are following something trendy and shallow? Like all of the elusive young voters who are finally turning out are only doing it because Lil’ Wayne has a new song out called “Vote For Obama or I’ll Fuck Yo’ Ho”?? (This is not a real song, but wouldn’t it be hilarious if it were?) Are we really all that stupid??
The truth is, we are not. And it’s not “trendy” to be educated and vote for the man you believe will take this country in the better direction. No, it’s not. It’s called SMART. If you know how to read a newspaper or turn on the television to a channel other than Faux News, then you probably already know that John McCain is an inbecile and Sarah Palin is about two seconds away from retardation. If you can believe ANY of the drivel spouting from their mouths, you are a very susceptible person. Or, like, Mormon.
Prune concentrate juice box… come on. Kool-Aid ’08!
I’m not proud of doing this, but I am a busy person with lots of busy stuff going on. Not to mention my staff is lazy as crap. So without further ado, let’s hit the countdown:
Number 8: He’s been staying up far later than someone his age should be.
Ok, admittedly John McCain’s visit to Saturday Night Live was pretty funny. But should a 72-year-old man be up past 1 in the morning (he stayed for the curtain call)?
This could lead to him being super-cranky.
In related news, supposedly Joe the Plumber banged Kristen Wigg. Which is gross, but should give idiots everywhere hope of banging a hot famous chick.
Number 7: People just genuinely don’t seem to give a shit about him.
Only a thousand people, the day before the election? Are you fucking serious?
I’m not one to pick on the unpopular loser, you know, like McCain did in High School, but Faux News’ excuses for there not being anyone there were weak as hell.
Number 6: He’s a shitty gambler.
We’ve covered McCain’s ties to gambling before, but he’s putting all his chips on a pretty flimsy scenario. Sometimes, you gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em…
Number 5: Did anybody forget? His wife’s a fucking pill head!
Seriously, she’s a fucking criminal! I really hate to use 236.com considering they ripped off my daily thing to hate about Johnny Mac, and made theirs the daily thing wrong with McCain, weeks after I started this shit, but, oh shit- where was I? Oh yeah… Cindy McCain stole drugs from her charity and check out this funny picture:
Number 4: This is so wrong…
Daily thing wrong with McCain has ripped us off, but at least when I use their douchebaggery, I give credit. Also, I take no blame for this, regardless of that Canadian guy that doesn’t like this blog. Barack can do pull-ups, John cannot. it is also noteworthy that the author of this article can do ten consecutive pull ups. The other author on this site cannot do a single one, but not because she was shot down and received shitty medical care, nut because she is lazy and weak.
Number 3: This bitch is still saying that Obama thinks terrorists are the good guys.
Ok, that’s it. 2 More tomorrow, then drinking champagne around midnight. Wednesday this blog goes back to being about alcohol, video games, and pornography.
Just a wee little mini post to point out some glaring hypocrisy. Year 2000 John McCain was all in favor of wealthier people paying a little more in taxes, sounding vaguely like Obama’s proposed plan, as evidenced by this old video.
In fact, during a visit to “Meet the Press” in the same year, good ol’ Johnny himself said: “Many studies have indicated that . . . the people who need . . . the relief most are working middle-income Americans and that’s what I want to give to them.” And, in an ad, he even promised that, “There’s one big difference between me and the others – I won’t take every last dime of the surplus and spend it on tax cuts that mostly benefit the wealthy.”
Year 2008 John McCain, where are you? Did you forget to take your meds, or do you really not remember believing in that? Oh, I guess you’re right, it really is Obama who is the socialist! Hey, what about those $5,000 vouchers that are going to everyone, regardless of employment status? I mean, there’s nothing socialist about that…
But of course, the Grand Old Partypoopers have done a fantastic job or replacing the once sane and rational John MccCain with the creepy, drooling cyborg we know today. Way to go!
We’ve obviously gotten a little lazy recently and here, only eight days from the election, we’re at number fourteen. As a result, I’m going to present a roundup of 5 recent things to hate about John McCain and some other bat-shit crazy conservatives. I’d follow this up with something like “I Hope she gets the mental health attention she needs,” but I hones
Number 14: Ashley Todd
So this girl claimed that a big black guy beat her up and carved a backwards ‘B’ (for Barack, get it?) in her face after he was enraged by her McCain sticker (or pin). She also claimed he knocked her out and sexually assaulted her. Gotta love this. Nothing scares the conservative base more than the idea of a black man attacking a white woman. BuzzFeed has a solid roundup of links for this story, if you somehow missed it.
Number 13: Barbara West
If you haven’t seen her cuntacular interview with Joe Biden, click on the image above to go to it. She compares Obama to Karl Marx, blasts his close (non-existing) ties to ACORN, and asked the type of questions that made Biden think it was a joke. She’s such a hard-hitting journalist, she previously asked McCain, “Why aren’t you attacking Obama more forcefully for his leading role in voter fraud and for causing the US mortgage crisis?” Again, hit up BuzzFeed for more on this whack job.
Number 12: Nuclear Safety, Blah, Blah, Blah
John McCain recently referred to Senator Obama’s insistence that if the U.S. goes forward with more drilling and nuclear power, that we do so safely and as environmentally sound as possible. McCain paraphrased, using such eloquent terms as blah, blah, blah. What a dick.
Number 11: Even Republicans Don’t Like McCain
Just a quick list of famous conservatives and Republicans who are supporting Obama/Biden: Chris Buckley, Colin Powell, Larry Pressler, Arne Carlson, Charles Fried, Dennis Hopper, Douglas Kmiec, and the Republican mayor of Fairbanks, Alaska, Jim Whitaker. There are a bunch more, and who does McCain have? Joe Lieberman. And that guy sucks.
Number 10: Science has Proven that McCain is Just Like Bush!
Science! I know many on the far right don’t believe in Science, but this experiment shows that McCain and Bush have similar “body signatures.” Cool stuff.
Bonus Section: The Wasssup Guys, Eight Years Later.
Oh God this is too good. ABC news reports that Joe McCain apparently called 911 because he was sitting in traffic and it pissed him off. Here’s a transcript from the first call (oh yes, he tied up the 911 system twice for asinine bullshit!)
Operator: 911 state your emergency
Caller: It’s not an emergency, but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95 traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic’s coming the other way?
Operator: Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic? (pause)
Caller: “Fuck you.” (caller hangs up)
Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
So then, apparently, a 911 operator calls back to leave him a message about how abusing the 911 system is a crime, blah blah, and Joe McCain CALLS BACK to complain about that. Wow, you entitled fat fuck. I really wouldn’t be surprised if he had his own personal cell phone tower, too and a $150,000 wardrobe.
Actually, we just intercepted this voicemail Joe left for John:
Joe: Hey.. hey Johnny. (Sound of chips being shoved into mouth hole) You know, I fucking hate sitting in traffic so fucking much. When you’re president, can you build me one of them robo monster trucks… so I can just drive over people in traffic? It’s such a waste sitting there waiting like everyone else… and besides, I mean, it’s not like Burger King is open all day, am I right?? (Sound of soda slurping). Heh heh heh. Yeah, get on that, please. (Long pause) Fuck you. (hangs up)
42 Things to Hate About John McCain: Number 16 – ALL DAY PALIN HATE EDITION: Still Not Quite Sure What She’s Running ForOctober 22, 2008
So Marie Antoinette, Sarah Palin was recently interviewed by 9 News, an NBC Colorado affiliate station after one of her rallies. The interviewer read Palin a question send in by Brandon Garcia, a third grade student, who asked what exactly it is that a Vice President does.
After making a joke about one of her stupid kids, Palin replies that she thinks the VP is in charge of the Senate and that “they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom.”
I just spent a whole two seconds of my life googling the US Constitution, and upon reading it, I found this little gem: “The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.”
Oh, no vote, eh? So you can’t really make any policy changes? I guess that must have been fluke, though, I mean, it’s not like she’s said that little speil before.
Oh… my bad. No biggie. Sarah, you don’t have to listen to that pussy-ass little bit of paper. We’ve had another VP who pretty much bucked the constitution, Dick Cheney! He even shot a guy in the face once. You’ll do fine.
42 Things to Hate About John McCain: Number 17 – ALL DAY PALIN HATE EDITION: She Spent $150,000 on (K-Mart) ClothesOctober 22, 2008
Yeah, I know she spent it at Neiman Marcus and Sak’s, but seriously? A hundred and fifty-fucking grand on pantsuits and shit? I mean, I know bitches that can shop, this is New York City afterall, but to spend that much money on the Kathie Lee Gifford collection is just ridiculous. To add insult to injury, this was paid for by the RNC. Yep, that’s right Republicans, your donations are going to clothe this vile-spewing hate-monger.
It has been less than two months since she was pulled to be McCain’s running-mate, and I’m no math major, but that’s over $2,500 a day for clothes and make-up. That’s a couple of Armani suits a day, or just like a metric fuckton of cocaine (which is the unfortunate way I would’ve probably spent the money).
So without further ado, here are things that $150,000 could buy:
One $400 John Edwards haircut a week for over seven years.
At the median salary of $37,500, you could hire four full time plumbers for a year.
Health care for a couple dozen people for a year.
Anywhere from 30 to 150 encounters with Elliot Spitzer’s hookers.
Think I missed some great stuff worth $150k? Leave a comment!